Almost everyone has a pet peeve or three; life’s little annoyances that pop up just often enough to be, well, annoying.
I shall, from time to time, endeavor to have a bit of cathartic fun with these, in line with my philosophy of trying to stay upbeat and optimistic and not to sweat the small stuff.
ANNOYANCE #1 “Don’t call me ‘Boss.’”
If you listen to the podcast versions of these tomes, you may be familiar with my studio sidekick, Sounder. I’m not certain he knows my first name, as I have no recollection of him addressing me as other than “Boss.” Frequently, “Hey Boss.”
Sounder’s a great guy, and figured he could take a bit of ribbing about the “Boss” moniker he has dubbed me.
“Don't call me boss,” I said. He agreed to comply.
“Oh, Sorry, Boss,” and the conversation devolved from there.
You can listen to all of it here: https://dictatorforaday.substack.com/podcast
ANNOYANCE #2 Furniture Tags
My original pet peeve goes back to childhood. I was a voracious reader. If it had printed text on it I would read it. Books. Cereal boxes. The “Pat Pending” engraved on the sink drain. For years I thought “Pat Pending” was the person who invented the drain. I also read furniture tags.
I remember, “Do not remove under penalty of law.”
This is traumatizing language for a young child. At least, it was to me. Not real trauma, mind you. Just unsettling. If my mom removed the tag, would the Tag Police burst through our door and arrest her?
My mom assured me this was not the case. Still, my suspicions of authority and government remained, and do to this day, I think twice about removing any such tags.
Except now they say you can remove them if you’re the owner.
UNDER PENALTY OF LAW THIS
TAG NOT TO BE REMOVED
EXCEPT BY THE CONSUMER
Nice of them to tell us we can do what we want with our own property.
Furniture Tags? BANNED by Dictator for a Day
ANNOYANCE #3 Online Forms – Pop Up variety
Anyone who’s ever spent more than 30 seconds online knows this one. You visit a website and the first thing that happens – within about a nanosecond of your arrival – is a pop-up screen asking for your name and email address.
What? I’m just here to look around. Nope. Name and email! Sometimes the website offers you something in appreciation, like 10 or 15% off or free shipping for the next 48 hours.
Imagine how this would go in a store, where you enter and are accosted by a gruff individual (we’ll call him “Gruff”) who demands your name and email.
(Sound of door opening.)
Gruff: Name and email!
Dennis: Pardon?
Gruff: Name and email!!
Dennis: - I just wanted to – look –
Gruff: Name and email!!!
Dennis: uh, why do you keep moving in front of me? I’m trying to see around
Gruff: Name and email!!!!
Dennis: Uh that’s ok.
Gruff: Name and email!!!!!!
Dennis: I’m not really all that…
Gruff: NAME AND EMAIL!!!!!!
Dennis: …interested. Sheesh.
(Sound of door slamming.)
Providing my name and email isn’t that big a deal. It’s just the principle of the thing. You don’t feel too welcome when you walk into a place and the first thing the proprietor or sales clerk or reception does is demand something from you. Whatever happened to “Welcome, may I help you.”
Online popup forms? BANNED by Dictator for a Day
ANNOYANCE #4 Class Action Lawsuits
Trial attorneys love filing class action lawsuits. I think they should be outlawed. But since so many legislators are also attorneys, don't look for anything to happen soon.
What’s wrong with class action lawsuits?
I am totally convinced the only reason we have class action lawsuits is to line the pockets of the lawyers who file the suits.
After all, the law firm is suing “…on behalf of thousands of beleaguered individuals who…. “ blah, blah, blah.
At least, that’s what the trial lawyers who file these suits want you think; that they’re doing a public service.
But here’s what I see.
Let’s say I take part in a class action lawsuit as one of many plaintiffs. Poor me. I have been taken advantage of in some way, shape or form. Maybe a fast-food chain advertised “Cheeseburgers, 39 Cents, Forever,” then raised the price. Forever is a long time. It certainly didn’t end a year ago when the chain raised the price of a cheeseburger back to 99 cents.
The attorneys who sue - “on my behalf” of course – get a favorable verdict or settle out of court for some astronomical sum. Since the fast-food chain is a global company and has sold billions and billions of cheeseburgers, a few million bucks is chump change.
The attorneys get the money.
I end up with a coupon for 20% off my next cheeseburger with the same rotten food chain I just sued.
Where’s the justice in that?
Class Action Lawsuits? BANNED by Dictator for a Day!
ANNOYANCE #5 Automatic Spelling
Also known as AUTO CORRECT and sometimes known as AUTO SPELL.
Mostly known as “Hey – wadda ya think you’re doing – I’m typing here...”
I needed this automatic spelling on my typewriter when I was in high school in Mabel Dankers’ English Rhetoric class. It was a place where you could just as easily get hit in the head with a five-pound hardback book on proper etiquette – if you didn’t use it - as you could a dictionary or a textbook on English rhetoric. But, I digress.
Today, I don’t need auto spelling on my cell phone, especially when I’m texting. I get one or two letters in and the damn thing thinks it knows what I want to say and spells it out for me. Nine times out of 10 what it spells is not what I wanted to say at all, and I have to type through the mistaken verbiage to get back to the point I was at when I was so rudely interrupted. Ever try to move the cursor forward through a sentence on a cell phone? Except – wait a minute – there are no forward or backspacing cursor control. So I’m left to try to insert a fingernail between two letters and hope the cursor lands where I need it. Auto-spell may have been created to save me time. It’s actually wasting my time.
Sounds like a government invention.
I have a friend who dictates his text messages and emails. That’s even worse. They read like this:
Hey, Dennis, Just wanted to say s;dk ioure xlir . Don’t forget about wereiouu ffssr sgldthc. It’s really important. OK. See you at lksdf. And be sure to bring sodusdfi!
Auto Sreisdifu? BANNED by Dictator for a Day!
ANNOYANCE #6 Phone Menus – The Circular Tree
Not one telephone menu ever created is worth the powder it would take to blow it to hell.
First, companies buy into these insane services because they don’t want to talk to people. Even though those people are often their customers.
Where’s the sense in that?
Second, and you know where I’m going here, it takes forever to listen to the menu. “Please listen as our menu has changed” is just a ruse to get you to listen to the menu, which has never changed.
Even more maddening is when the menu becomes a tree with endless branches that branch over and over again. Down a rabbit hole that never, ever connects you with the department you need. But will hang up on you after you’ve squandered several precious minutes of your life trying to get to someone who can actually speak to you, preferably in reasonably articulate English.
Phone menus? BANNED by Dictator for a Day
ANNOYANCE #7 Shopping from the checkout line.
I really have to wonder about shoppers who get in the checkout line, make it to the check out counter and then start the rest of their shopping.
It’s like they suddenly had a gestalt revelation and remembered the dog biscuits they promised Fido. With groceries all over the counter the shopper suddenly leaves. Oh, don’t worry about the people in line behind you. You’re important. Take all the time you want!
And they do! Off they go to the store’s hinterland in search of something they can’t get along without and that is so important the rest of the world, namely me, can wait until they find.
They inevitably come back and discover they picked up the wrong item or there’s no price tag on it or it won’t scan. The bar code isn’t readable. Next, the checkout person has to leave to search out a store manager who can look up the price, somewhere.
Why do people do this?
My advice? Don’t get behind me in the check out line and if you do – for heaven’s sake – don’t have any perishables!
Shopping from the checkout line? BANNED by Dictator for a Day
ANNOYANCE # 8 Kamala Harris’ CACKLE!
It’s no longer a laugh. It’s a verbal crutch. And it’s maddening! When the vice president uncertain of something – which is pretty often – she doesn’t laugh, she cackles.
HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH, HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH
So guess what? The Kamala Harris Cackle is now BANNED by Dictator for a Day
THE NATION IS FOREVER GREATFUL!
Have a pet peeve or some other irritation that might qualify as one of life’s little annoyances? Drop it into the comment section below. We’ll collect them and regurgitate them back in a future article.
And thanks for reading!