Dean’s Rules, Laws and Corollaries…
A collection of scientifically unproven phenomenon as certain as the Law of Gravity.
I do not take credit for all of these. I simply collect them. Some are borrowed from people wiser than myself. Others simply ran over me in the course of life.
If I were Dictator for a Day, I would recommend everyone begin a collection. And I would be happy to contribute some to anyone who would ask. I’m generous that way.
BTW you can also listen to the Podcast version of this column at the link below. It’s a lot of fun. The Podcast normally drops shortly after the column is published and usually features a guest or two. This episode: Bennie Franklin. (Yea, that Bennie Franklin). And of course, me and Sounder.
https://dictatorforaday.substack.com/podcast
Now - the column - article - newsletter… not sure what to call it.
Rules is Rules
I’ve only gotten into an argument over one of these. I lost, sort of . . .
The List:
Dean’s Rule # 1
Your wife is right. (Single? Your mother was right.)
Dean’s Rule # 1
Never give up your car.
Dean’s Rule # 3
Trust no one. Deny everything.
Dean’s Law # 4:
Stay low, move fast and try not to let anything get on you.
Dean’s Law #5 on Equipment Preparedness:
Anything you don’t have, you’ll need. Twice.
Dean’s Law #6 aka Dean’s Corollary of Multiples:
In any given sequence of identical events, one will always go wrong. Usually, very near the end of the sequence.
Dean’s Law #6.1 Rule of Inverse Proportions
The greater the expense of an identical event going wrong, the less likely the sequence of identical events will be performed perfectly.
Jim Kirby’s Law #7 of Elusive Issues:
Things that fix themselves will do you dirt later.
Someone’s Rule #8:
When the label on the garment says: “Wash separately,” they really mean it.
Someone’s Rule #9:
Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
Dean's Rule #10:
Ask your elders. Benefit from their experience.
Example: When visiting a hardware store, always seek out the oldest guy in the place if you want real, knowledgeable help. They usually have a wealth of knowledge at their fingertips and are more than happy to share it.
Example: Always pick the oldest helicopter pilot in the squad room to fly. There’s a reason he’s old.
Dean’s Law #11:
Software upgrades are the root of all evil.
Dean’s Rule #12 aka The Rule of Opposites:
When the little voice in the back of your head says, “Oh, they’d never do that…” count on them doing “that.”
Someone’s Rule # 13:
Whenever someone starts a sentence with “To tell the truth…” they don’t.”
Dean’s Rule #14:
If you can’t see the gas station or restaurant you’re looking for from the Interstate, don’t exit.
Tony Santucci’s Rule #15:
There is no such thing as a computer ‘glitch.’ Computers only do what you tell them to do.
Dean’s Rule #16:
Computers are never as smart as the people who build them think they are.
Dean’s Rule #17:
Borrowed from “The Mangrove Coast” by Randy Wayne White
“In any conflict, the boundaries of behavior are defined by the party that cares the least about morality.”
Dean’s Most Important Rule #18 aka That Little Voice
Learn to pay attention to the little voice in the back of your head saying, “What could possibly go wrong?”
There are more rules than this, and I will add to the list soon. Suggestions are always welcome!